I admit that when preachers start talking to people about how much God loves them I tune out a bit. I believe God loves us, but I don’t know what that means. Does that mean he cares about us? He will take care of us? To misquote (and take way out of context) the famous song, “I wanna know what love is. And I want [him] to show me.”

I’ve been thinking about this and how my fundamental belief that God can help me and take care of me but could choose not to has to come from somewhere. Why don’t I trust God? And I think it all comes down to love and what I think of it and whether or not I think I’m worthy of it. (Hide your smirks preachers!)

I know I’m kinda defective when it comes to relationships. I was speaking to a couple friends and my wife when I mentioned that I tend to live up or down to the expectations of those around me. I play roles. And I don’t even recognize it at first. My friend told me I should be myself. But I don’t know how.

I don’t know what love is and I don’t know how to be myself. So I don’t trust God and I suck at relationships. Boil that down: I don’t trust people and I don’t like people. But that’s not right either. I really do like people.

Last week at a work event I made a comment to someone who I think was bothered by it and I made a joke about another person and was worried they were embarrassed. If I didn’t like people I still wouldn’t be thinking about it. But here I am 7 days later and I’m going to go apologize just in case. No, I care what people think. (Which explains why I try to be what I think they want from me.)

So I don’t trust God and I care (possibly too much) about what people think of me. I’m connecting the dots.