Hand What Man Over to Satan?

OK. Dude is sleeping with his step mom (or possibly his mom) and the Corinthians are proud of this because “there is freedom in the Lord.” Paul says:

“You’re proud? Shouldn’t you be filled with sadness and grief? Shouldn’t you send this man out of your church? I’m not there with you except for in spirit but even I can see that this is a terrible sin! When you meet at church again, in the name of our Lord Jesus, hand this man over to Satan so his sinful self will be destroyed and his soul saved” (1 Cor 5:2-5).

What the Hell does this mean?

(Ha! I get to say Hell because we are talking about Satan. Sweet Christian liberty!)

I get the idea behind chapter 5. The bad influence ruins the whole congregation. Or bad meat ruins the taco, as some have been known to say. OK. We kick them out until they turn away from their active sin, right?

I’m cool with it except I wonder:

Who will vacuum the church? Empty the trash? Serve Communion? No, strike that: take Communion?

How many people in a church are not actively sinning? If we kicked them all out would there be anyone left? Surely there must be at least one good Christian!

Let’s find out.

First off, gays gotta go, right? I mean Christians are always kicking out gays first. Everyone knows that their sin is worse than our sins… er, I mean other sins. So there goes like 10%.

Fornicators gotta go next. After that the adulterers. I have no idea how many of these there are. Lets guess 9% each (see? Less than the gays.) So now we are up to 28%.

Pedophiles should go next… but I doubt there are any of these in the church. Never mind.

I think thieves gotta go. Not sure how to tell if someone is an active thief. Lets go with 15% and randomly kick out people dressed in dark clothes that are good for skulking around. Up to 42%.

Next we will get rid of the liars. If we ask for them they are sure to lie so we will kick out everyone who says they don’t lie. Then we will throw out the ones who said they do lie. We will call this the Smyrna Liar Trials. Sink or swim, baby! Some people will refuse to answer so I’m gonna go with 40% on this one. Up to 82%.

I guess cussers are next. I’d throw out everyone who ever used the Lord’s name in vain. Like, “I am as hot as Jesus!” Or “God, I look good.” Vanity is a sin. Kick out all the good looking people. Lucky for Christians there just aren’t that many in church. +3% (because it makes us even at 85%).

Rich people are undoubtedly sinning. Greedy scum-bags! Why do they get the cool cars? Why do they get the big houses? 5% more brings us to 90% total.

Envious people, you know who you are = 90%. Now we are up to 180% of the people in the church. Looks like we will have to go out into the community (it will be scary at first, I know we haven’t been in a while,) and invite people to church so we can kick them out. Paul commands it.

I guess that means that only the lady who plays the organ… oh, she was kicked out. How about the pastor? Out, huh? Well I guess that leaves me.

Great idea, Paul! Seriously?

With no one but me here who will help in the nursery?!


3 thoughts on “Hand What Man Over to Satan?

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