Why I Love Zombies

I don’t watch horror films. I’ve never seen any of the Saw movies. I don’t like watching slasher flicks. I don’t like watching ghost or demon or witchcraft movies. I don’t enjoy being scared. But I love watching zombie movies!The most recent Dawn of the Dead epitomizes the genre for me. A nurse and her [husband -we will assume because this is a Christian blog] wakes up in the morning to a neighborhood little girl opening the door to her bedroom. She is covered in blood. The [husband] rushes to the girl’s aide only to turn away for just a moment giving the perfect opportunity for the girl to maul his neck with her zombie teeth! Blood spurting from his artery he quickly dies… only to rise up a zombie moments later!

The nurse escapes the house to find this same thing happening all over her previously peaceful suburban street. She drives away from (and over some) zombies. Alas, there is no where to go. Everywhere she drives in her city there are zombies attacking the remnant of the humans.

A man tries to steal her car causing her to crash it. When she revives she is staring down the barrel of Ving Rhames‘ shotgun. Rhames is a cop so she hooks up with him. (By the way, it is precisely for situations like this that I am for personal gun rights.) As they travel they hook up with others who tell of the widespread catastrophe.

The zombies are everywhere.

screen shot from Dead Rising for the XBOX 360

The decide to go to the nearby mall hoping to lock the zombies out. The mall has clothes, food (Starbucks, etc), weapons (sports equipment, etc), and places to sleep (display beds, etc). It’s a good plan. But no matter how safe they seem to be inside they will ultimately run out of food or the zombies will end up finding a way in.

I don’t count zombie movies as horror films because unlike horror films zombies are out in the open. You can see your enemy. You know there is no way out. It’s not about surviving the Bogey Man. It’s about overcoming impossible odds with just your wits and your resources and your muscles.

The ultimate man movie!

Never mind the 20 evil cowboys at the OK Corral! In zombie flicks you get the same odd-stacked-against-you situation but on steroids. How about 1000 cowboys at the corral? How about if the cowboys bite you then you join their team? How about all the townsfolk don’t just watch on as you fight but they are against you too; there is no safe place for you.

Never mind the 100 evil terrorists that Iron Man has to escape from (and kill). How about after he does kill them there are an unlimited number of terrorists waiting for him in every town he goes to? And if they get you it’s a fate worse than death!

There is no explanation for the zombies. There is no rationalizing with them. There will be no surrender. No discussion. No Geneva convention. Kill or be killed.

Zombie films appeal to men in the same way that all action flicks do but the consequences are ratcheted up a notch – and by “notch” I mean “a million times more notches” or “millinotches (c)” as I like to say. They give us a way to ask the questions all men, deep down, want to know about themselves:

Could I protect those who are with me?
Could I overcome these odds?
Do I have it in me to go on when all hope is lost?

Zombie films give men the fodder they need for their most beloved fantasies – hero fantasies.

When I dream, I dream of protecting people, saving lives, being the hero. I don’t dream of butterflies, humming birds and tacos. (Well, tacos are sometimes in my hero dreams…)

I want to be the hero. I want to see the world in black and white – good verses evil. I want to join the side of good and help it win against all the odds. In this way, zombie movies appeal to me in the same way that Christianity does. (Left Behind, anyone?) Consider all the apocalyptic teachings of the Bible – the Horsemen, Armageddon, devils verses angels! It’s frakkin’ awesome!

That’s why a good Christian boy like me loves zombie movies: it reminds me of the coming apocalypse and lets me play it out over and again… without actually being there yet.

Besides, it’s all fake. Duh.

(Never mind that last sentance! In case of a zombie attack, I have already set up defenses at my place and stocked up on food for months. So if the zombies attack make your way here. Bring your guns and ammo.)

The Fresh Prince

OK. Here’s the situation:
My parents went away for a week’s vacation.
They left the keys to the brand new Porsche!
It ain’t mine…
Ah well, of course not!
I’ll just take it for a little spin,
And maybe show it off to a couple of friends…I don’t care what you think. Will Smith does not exist.

The performer of these inimitable lyrics will forever be the “Fresh Prince.” Not of Bel Air. Of everywhere. That’s how I know him. And I see no reason to change my opinion on him.

If I were to take into consideration the Prince’s TV show or his movies I’d have to say – being honest with myself – that the Fresh Prince just isn’t as cool as I remember. (Wild Wild West, anyone?) But if I refuse to adjust my opinion of the Fresh Prince he can forever be the same amazing performer that he was in the late 80’s and early 90’s.

Nightmare on My Street stays hip. Parent’s Just Don’t Understand (above) stays relevant.

“He’s the D.J. I’m the rapper!” says the Fresh Prince. Not, “I’m the actor.”

Refusing to allow people to grow, in our minds, allows us to neatly pack them into the corners of our mind. Who has room for non-neatly packed people? Brains are only so big.

So what I do – which I share for free because I’m awesome – is look at people, get a good read on what I think about them then I mentally make a statue of them in my mind. (Statues are cool because they last forever. Their arms fall off after a while, but who needs arms in memories?)

Once the statue is completed, maybe 5 or 10 seconds later, I quickly draw up a big yellow label with lines on it (like a 3×5 card from elementary school only yellow with green lines, not blue lines because that’s so passé,) tie it around the statue’s neck and move on to the next person. This allows me to quickly sift through people I meet, neatly sorting them into categories like, “socialist,” “liberal,” “conservative,” “emergent,” “fundamentalist,” “right,” “wrong,” “great American,” “taco,” and so on.

Very efficient, right?

Antagonistic and stupid people will argue with me here. They’ll say, “But Scott, people change. They grow up. They mature. They shouldn’t be labeled or judged like this.”

What these bleeding hearts seem to ignore is that what they are asking of us takes way too much time and effort! We’d have to constantly be interacting with these people on the slim chance that they’ll change. When do you stop “getting to know them?” Never? Ridiculous!

People are like snap shots. Once you take the picture they’re done. They don’t learn or grow or get better. They are exactly the same as they have always been.

Just like the Fresh Prince.

Hand What Man Over to Satan?

OK. Dude is sleeping with his step mom (or possibly his mom) and the Corinthians are proud of this because “there is freedom in the Lord.” Paul says:

“You’re proud? Shouldn’t you be filled with sadness and grief? Shouldn’t you send this man out of your church? I’m not there with you except for in spirit but even I can see that this is a terrible sin! When you meet at church again, in the name of our Lord Jesus, hand this man over to Satan so his sinful self will be destroyed and his soul saved” (1 Cor 5:2-5).

What the Hell does this mean?

(Ha! I get to say Hell because we are talking about Satan. Sweet Christian liberty!)

I get the idea behind chapter 5. The bad influence ruins the whole congregation. Or bad meat ruins the taco, as some have been known to say. OK. We kick them out until they turn away from their active sin, right?

I’m cool with it except I wonder:

Who will vacuum the church? Empty the trash? Serve Communion? No, strike that: take Communion?

How many people in a church are not actively sinning? If we kicked them all out would there be anyone left? Surely there must be at least one good Christian!

Let’s find out.

First off, gays gotta go, right? I mean Christians are always kicking out gays first. Everyone knows that their sin is worse than our sins… er, I mean other sins. So there goes like 10%.

Fornicators gotta go next. After that the adulterers. I have no idea how many of these there are. Lets guess 9% each (see? Less than the gays.) So now we are up to 28%.

Pedophiles should go next… but I doubt there are any of these in the church. Never mind.

I think thieves gotta go. Not sure how to tell if someone is an active thief. Lets go with 15% and randomly kick out people dressed in dark clothes that are good for skulking around. Up to 42%.

Next we will get rid of the liars. If we ask for them they are sure to lie so we will kick out everyone who says they don’t lie. Then we will throw out the ones who said they do lie. We will call this the Smyrna Liar Trials. Sink or swim, baby! Some people will refuse to answer so I’m gonna go with 40% on this one. Up to 82%.

I guess cussers are next. I’d throw out everyone who ever used the Lord’s name in vain. Like, “I am as hot as Jesus!” Or “God, I look good.” Vanity is a sin. Kick out all the good looking people. Lucky for Christians there just aren’t that many in church. +3% (because it makes us even at 85%).

Rich people are undoubtedly sinning. Greedy scum-bags! Why do they get the cool cars? Why do they get the big houses? 5% more brings us to 90% total.

Envious people, you know who you are = 90%. Now we are up to 180% of the people in the church. Looks like we will have to go out into the community (it will be scary at first, I know we haven’t been in a while,) and invite people to church so we can kick them out. Paul commands it.

I guess that means that only the lady who plays the organ… oh, she was kicked out. How about the pastor? Out, huh? Well I guess that leaves me.

Great idea, Paul! Seriously?

With no one but me here who will help in the nursery?!