The Fresh Prince

OK. Here’s the situation:
My parents went away for a week’s vacation.
They left the keys to the brand new Porsche!
It ain’t mine…
Ah well, of course not!
I’ll just take it for a little spin,
And maybe show it off to a couple of friends…I don’t care what you think. Will Smith does not exist.

The performer of these inimitable lyrics will forever be the “Fresh Prince.” Not of Bel Air. Of everywhere. That’s how I know him. And I see no reason to change my opinion on him.

If I were to take into consideration the Prince’s TV show or his movies I’d have to say – being honest with myself – that the Fresh Prince just isn’t as cool as I remember. (Wild Wild West, anyone?) But if I refuse to adjust my opinion of the Fresh Prince he can forever be the same amazing performer that he was in the late 80’s and early 90’s.

Nightmare on My Street stays hip. Parent’s Just Don’t Understand (above) stays relevant.

“He’s the D.J. I’m the rapper!” says the Fresh Prince. Not, “I’m the actor.”

Refusing to allow people to grow, in our minds, allows us to neatly pack them into the corners of our mind. Who has room for non-neatly packed people? Brains are only so big.

So what I do – which I share for free because I’m awesome – is look at people, get a good read on what I think about them then I mentally make a statue of them in my mind. (Statues are cool because they last forever. Their arms fall off after a while, but who needs arms in memories?)

Once the statue is completed, maybe 5 or 10 seconds later, I quickly draw up a big yellow label with lines on it (like a 3×5 card from elementary school only yellow with green lines, not blue lines because that’s so passé,) tie it around the statue’s neck and move on to the next person. This allows me to quickly sift through people I meet, neatly sorting them into categories like, “socialist,” “liberal,” “conservative,” “emergent,” “fundamentalist,” “right,” “wrong,” “great American,” “taco,” and so on.

Very efficient, right?

Antagonistic and stupid people will argue with me here. They’ll say, “But Scott, people change. They grow up. They mature. They shouldn’t be labeled or judged like this.”

What these bleeding hearts seem to ignore is that what they are asking of us takes way too much time and effort! We’d have to constantly be interacting with these people on the slim chance that they’ll change. When do you stop “getting to know them?” Never? Ridiculous!

People are like snap shots. Once you take the picture they’re done. They don’t learn or grow or get better. They are exactly the same as they have always been.

Just like the Fresh Prince.

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Hand What Man Over to Satan?

OK. Dude is sleeping with his step mom (or possibly his mom) and the Corinthians are proud of this because “there is freedom in the Lord.” Paul says:

“You’re proud? Shouldn’t you be filled with sadness and grief? Shouldn’t you send this man out of your church? I’m not there with you except for in spirit but even I can see that this is a terrible sin! When you meet at church again, in the name of our Lord Jesus, hand this man over to Satan so his sinful self will be destroyed and his soul saved” (1 Cor 5:2-5).

What the Hell does this mean?

(Ha! I get to say Hell because we are talking about Satan. Sweet Christian liberty!)

I get the idea behind chapter 5. The bad influence ruins the whole congregation. Or bad meat ruins the taco, as some have been known to say. OK. We kick them out until they turn away from their active sin, right?

I’m cool with it except I wonder:

Who will vacuum the church? Empty the trash? Serve Communion? No, strike that: take Communion?

How many people in a church are not actively sinning? If we kicked them all out would there be anyone left? Surely there must be at least one good Christian!

Let’s find out.

First off, gays gotta go, right? I mean Christians are always kicking out gays first. Everyone knows that their sin is worse than our sins… er, I mean other sins. So there goes like 10%.

Fornicators gotta go next. After that the adulterers. I have no idea how many of these there are. Lets guess 9% each (see? Less than the gays.) So now we are up to 28%.

Pedophiles should go next… but I doubt there are any of these in the church. Never mind.

I think thieves gotta go. Not sure how to tell if someone is an active thief. Lets go with 15% and randomly kick out people dressed in dark clothes that are good for skulking around. Up to 42%.

Next we will get rid of the liars. If we ask for them they are sure to lie so we will kick out everyone who says they don’t lie. Then we will throw out the ones who said they do lie. We will call this the Smyrna Liar Trials. Sink or swim, baby! Some people will refuse to answer so I’m gonna go with 40% on this one. Up to 82%.

I guess cussers are next. I’d throw out everyone who ever used the Lord’s name in vain. Like, “I am as hot as Jesus!” Or “God, I look good.” Vanity is a sin. Kick out all the good looking people. Lucky for Christians there just aren’t that many in church. +3% (because it makes us even at 85%).

Rich people are undoubtedly sinning. Greedy scum-bags! Why do they get the cool cars? Why do they get the big houses? 5% more brings us to 90% total.

Envious people, you know who you are = 90%. Now we are up to 180% of the people in the church. Looks like we will have to go out into the community (it will be scary at first, I know we haven’t been in a while,) and invite people to church so we can kick them out. Paul commands it.

I guess that means that only the lady who plays the organ… oh, she was kicked out. How about the pastor? Out, huh? Well I guess that leaves me.

Great idea, Paul! Seriously?

With no one but me here who will help in the nursery?!